Lee's Leave

ALL ABSENCES AFFECTING NNLYA, MAGNUS AND NARLA WILL BE POSTED HERE

Since I've had enough of dancing around the issue and ruining relationships, I'm going to post here.

For the past few months I have had a number of relapses in my anxiety. After thinking I had everything under control and was coping well I started to slip into old habits: jumping to conclusions; catastrophising and assuming the worst; being extremely sensitive to even minute slights. A number of factors came into play but I soon slipped back into a depression, worse than ever before. I have felt worthless, useless, unaccepted, unloved and unwanted. I turned to self harm as I have in the past but this time it was worse. I have been suicidal, so many times planning to end my pathetic excuse of a life and at times there were even attempts (foiled by the intervention of friends or my boyfriend, not that they realised what it was they were stopping me from doing).

I came to the conclusion after a particularly bad day that I needed help. I didn't really want to die, but I felt like there was no other way to make the pain go away. My doctor referred me to a psychologist (much better than the one I went to last year) and prescribed me antidepressants. Over the three weeks that followed I got worse. Instead of hitting, biting and pulling hair to hurt myself I turned to cutting and it brought me the most incredible and odd sense of relief I've ever felt. The only problem with it was trying to hide the marks, which flared my anxiety further. The sad thing was, even when the weather was warmer and I wore t-shirts and my arms were visible, no one seemed to notice or care. It's sad how easy it is to hide these things when people don't expect to see them.

I realised that the medications were making things worse for me, as were a number of health issues. I have recently been diagnosed as asthmatic, had to deal with the potential of being lactose intolerant (turned out to be a really nasty stomach bug to put it nicely) and numerous other tests to find out what could be wrong with me. Some of this is still ongoing but I do not wish to speak of it right now as doing so only makes me feel worse. At the recommendation of my doctor I stopped the antidepressants for a week and as time went on I could feel their effects leaving my system, I felt better. I've started on a new set of antidepressants now which seem to work (it's only been a few days) but there are still problems that cause me issues.

I still at times feel worthless and unwanted, especially in this place where I come to escape my troubles. I feel as if no one cares about me or my characters whom I love so dearly. Two of my characters are now stuck in plots that have been in the works for months which are supposed to make their lives better. But being the way I am I feel I cannot play them honestly, it is extremely hard for me. Nnlya, on the other hand, is the one character I identify most with and whose story and emotions reflect my own. Unfortunately, plots have been brought about that will now affect her storyline and prevent me from playing her the way I need to. This has been done by a select few in what feels like an attempt to undermine me and my characters (there have been particular words said in posts I will not mention that appear quite clearly directed at my character). It would seem it's not acceptable for me to have my characters go crazy, apparently everyone has to be happy and okay with their lives.

What's worse is so many times there have been changes to this site made that were put down as "decisions made by the admin team" where I know it was never discussed with me. And yet, when discontent is expressed I feel personally attacked and implicated as I am considered part of this admin team. So many times I do put forward ideas that are either ignored or taken and presented as someone else's idea. On our other site there have been slights too. Issues where I was told I had not done something correctly when I knew for a fact it had been, feeling almost like an attempt just to make my life difficult. I was made an admin and then demoted to moderator and was never given an explanation as to why (although I have my suspicions). There have been so many little incidents where I have been ignored, left out or blatantly yelled at or blamed for things i've never even done wrong.

All of this builds up over time until finally I explode, panicking. Sometimes it's just me lying in bed in tears until I exhaust myself and fall asleep. Other times it results in me getting angry and upset, which means I cause fights and push people away when I try to talk to them.

I don't feel as though I can use this place as an escape anymore. Everything feels too scripted, too controlled. If you don't agree with everything the owners say then you're the worst person in the world and everything will come crashing down on you. That is how it feels. I will be taking an indefinite leave of absence until either things improve or I make the decision to officially leave. I will still log in from time to time because that is my habit, but posting will be sparse if not completely halted. I would apologise to anyone this affects but none of you read these things anyway and I'm sick of apologising all the time. Kick me off the staff team if you want, ban me, slander me. I honestly don't care anymore. I'm sick of the drama and double standards here. There's enough of that in my real life, I don't need it here as well.

An update on my absence:

My boyfriend broke up with me last night and I tried to take my own life. My absence will be extended as I don't feel able to post happy, relationship things.

» Leave Of Absence Thread

Lee's Leave

Lee's Leave

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