Social Anxiety Disorder ~ My Story

Hey, Levi here. Also Sitka/Mal/Finn/ and Daltan. I've been contemplating doing this for a while, and so I've decided to share some of my writing with you all.As some of you may not know, I suffer from both depression and social anxiety disorder. It's been years of having this, and only been recently diagnosed fully. So, I decided I wanted to share a little more about social anxiety with you all and for some of you who may not know about it, to understand what it's like to feel this way. Pardon me if you feel like this in unnecessary to post, but I want everyone to understand what it's like being like this. It's been a large part of my life, and I want to share it from my point of view. If you take the time to read this and understand that it's not just "stage fright", all I have to say to you is thank you. Enjoy.

I was in first grade. We were going into music class, the class I hated most through elementary school, along with the teacher. We began the class and I wasn’t sure on what I was supposed to be doing at the time as I did not catch his instructions. Our teacher wasn’t pleased with my confusion and lack of understanding to the instructions he had given us.. He called me up to the front of the room, and told me to sing in front of the entire class as punishment. Now keep in mind, I was a first grader and extremely shy and not very social. I panicked and automatically shut down in that moment. Mister music teacher didn’t like that, so as further punishment, he sent me to the table. This was our “time out” spot in music class. It was a trapezoid-shaped table with the front covered and taped off with poster paper to prevent any vision from under the table in the corner of the room. This is where I sat, as a terrified, crying first grader. This is where my struggle with social anxiety disorder began.

Social anxiety disorder is something that affects many people worldwide, but very little is known by those who have not experienced it for themselves. It’s not simply a fear, it’s much more than that. I’ll be giving you first-hand knowledge of my experiences and struggles with living with social anxiety on a day-to-day basis.

Anxiety is much more than having a simply fear of anything that revolves around social events. It’s an irrational fear of something that causes emotional, physical, and mental stress and panic. No, this is not the correct definition of social anxiety, but this is what it is to me. There’s one thing you have to understand when you deal with a person with anxiety, it does not help to yell at them. One of the worst possible things you can do to someone who’s having an anxiety attack is telling them that there’s nothing to be afraid of. I find it completely and utterly idiotic for someone to say that. Sure, to you, there’s absolutely nothing to be afraid of. Nothing at all. But to us, someone as small as a presentation such as this, or basketball practice, or just having to read aloud in class is like you’re trapped in a never-ending fire of fear. For most of us, the littlest things trigger anxiety. When I say triggers, I mean triggers. There’s certain things or activities or even words that will automatically cause a person to go into that state of panic.
For example, I was at basketball practice. It was the third week of practice and the first two weeks, I did perfectly fine. no problems at all. But that third week, something changed. The moment I had to go out on that court with people that I’ve known for years, I froze. I panicked. I couldn’t physically or mentally convince myself that I could do what I needed. problems began. My parents don’t understand quite how anxiety works no matter how much they think they know. I automatically had an attack when presented with the activity of practice. When I have an attack, I cry, shake, and try to move as far away from people as possible. And my parents don’t quite get that I can’t physically speak when I’m having an attack. They get irritated and yell, throw things at me, or hit something. This makes the situation ten times worse. Eventually they back off and leave me alone. But my teammates are the biggest help. Although I do take away from their practice, and I feel bad for that, I am extremely grateful for them to stop and come over to help me. Some of them talk to me and ask me how I’m feeling, others try to calmly encourage me to get out and play, and other sit by me. Silent. Not speaking a word. They just sit there to be there with me and to make sure that I know that I’m okay. Nothing is more relieving than having friends to help you in such situations

There’s a few things you may need to note when you try to understand how a person with anxiety feels when in panic. Number one: never try to talk us out of our emotions. Never tell us our fears don’t exist or that we will get over it if we stop thinking about it. That’s basically telling us that we’re making a big deal out of nothing when clearly, it’s something huge to us. Number two: We know our fears are completely irrational. You really cannot spend all day every day listening to the thoughts of an anxious person and not know that a large portion of those thoughts make approximately no sense at all. Just last week, I found myself worrying that my friends would look at the person I was and decide they hated me, despite knowing to the depths of my soul that is not something that would ever occur. This is one of the most frustrating things about having an anxiety disorder: knowing as you're freaking out that there's no reason to be freaked out, but lacking the ability to shut the emotion down. Number three: Anxiety is physically painful. Of course it's emotionally painful, too — in fact, I'd argue that the emotional pain is the worst of it — but most people know that part, and not this one. So: surprise! Anxiety hurts. Panic attacks are the pinnacle of the physical pain piece for most of us, since so much of that experience is centered around the sensation that your chest is tightening to the point that you can't breathe. But anxiety can also cause headaches, nausea, heart palpitations, muscle tension, insomnia, dizziness, and exhaustion. There are people who have deeply painful gastrointestinal responses to anxiety. There are people who, when anxious, hold their muscles so rigidly that they end up pulling or tearing them. It hurts. It doesn't hurt the same way for everyone, but it hurts.
With that note, it brings me to lastly, number four: Anxiety and depression are linked. Not all anxious people have depression; not all depressed people have anxiety. But they are known within the mental health community as common companions — and, in fact, one can lead to the other. If, for example, some hypothetical person with an anxiety disorder had the tendency to freeze up when overwhelmed, and had difficulty reaching out to the people in their life when that happened, then that hypothetical person could, hypothetically, remain frozen for long enough that eventually the anxiety (and all their other feelings) could bleed away and leave just the stagnation — in other words, depression. You know, hypothetically. That could occur.

Recently, there’s one specific thing that’s caused me stress that I’d like to touch on. Sexuality. Now I know you may be thinking “Oh god, please don’t tell us your life story!” I don’t plan on doing that as it’s not that interesting anyway. But! In recent events, I’ve come to terms with myself and accepting myself as gay, but the road to that wasn’t easy. My parents and friends constantly asking me if I’m dating or into my now girlfriend was extremely stressful for me. I mean, come on. When you’re fourteen, I highly doubt you’ll know for sure if you’re gay, bi, trans, or whatever else unless you really take the time to think about it and go through your thoughts. That’s exactly what I did, but in those months of trying to find myself, I was utterly terrified. my parents had little talks with me about it, and I wasn't sure if my sexuality then, and it was difficult to come to terms. I would try and look myself in the eye in the mirror and say those two little words, “I’m gay.” I couldn’t do it. It was just physically impossible to even have the slightest thought of it even when I know it’s true. But after I really laid back and thought about how I feel towards this person I’ve known forever and past “crushes”, I was finally able to have those two little words come out of my mouth. Although half the time the topic of it peaked my anxiety to a record high each and every time, it was as if a giant weight was lifted of my shoulders. It’s honestly one of the best feeling to finally come to terms with yourself and it has extremely helped my anxiety levels and keeping stress under control with the comfort of my girlfriend, who most of you have come to know quite well without actually meeting her.

Thanks for writing this; I have the same problem, and it's comforting to hear from other people and know you're not alone. My anxiety isn't social really anymore, though it was when it first started, and I was twelve years old and attempting to cope with a divorce when that happened. Being in crowds frightened me to the point where I had to run to the bathroom to try and calm down, since no one could see me having a panic attack in there. It made me very antisocial throughout middle school, since I was terrified of placing myself in a disastrous social situation. It's gotten better now that I'm in high school and people aren't quite as horrible to each other as they were and I've found a group of friends who are kind and patient and comfortable to be around. The unfortunate thing is that the anxiety didn't go away, it just hinged onto another issue that has caused me extreme stress from an extremely young age: failure. I have no idea why, but for some reason I grew up thinking that I had to be perfect, that I had to be better than everyone else at what I chose to do. I had to be the best student, the best dancer, the best whatever, and I think it was my parents who put that idea in my head, and it's just been slowly destroying me ever since. Of course I'm not ever going to be perfect, but I always feel like that if I'm not, it means I failed, and that often triggers my anxiety because my brain somehow interprets my "failure" to mean that I am not worth anything and I never will be worth anything, that I'm nothing special and I'll never be anything more than mediocre, which is an irrational fear. And of course, those thoughts bring on depression. Anyone observing me from the outside, watching me suffer an anxiety attack because I didn't get an A on a test or I messed up a routine, would simply think that I'm being petty and arrogant somehow. My parents and sisters and teachers think I'm just being ridiculous, and then they get mad at me, tell me to cut it out, stop being a baby, imagine how people who did worse than you would feel if they saw you behaving this way etc, as if a panic attack and depression are voluntary occurrences that I can make disappear whenever I want. It's horrible. I WISH I could make them go away whenever I wanted. I WISH I could act like a "normal human being." But my parents don't want to acknowledge the fact that I have a mental illness, and they refuse to get me therapy even though there were definitely times in my life when I needed it. So yeah, don't ever shout at a person having an anxiety attack or trivialize their situation. It just makes everything worse. Give them time to calm down and try to offer words of comfort and encouragement. It makes such an incredible difference and I can assure you they will appreciate it.

You're very welcome, Yuki. I'm glad I could have someone read this and understand what it's like to go through this. You're right, you're not alone. There are millions of people with things like this including some major celebrities. I completely understand you position. It's difficult to get family to understand what this is like and that it's not something like a toddler throwing a tantrum. It's an involuntary response tot he stress and fear that can easy cause you to go into that state of panic. I personally, would encourage you to sit them down and even have them read this. If this is how you feel and I've put it into words that explain it to a T, then print this off and have them read it. Try to get them to understand that it is a mental illness, but nothing that will alter your life majorly. It'll take time and a little coaxing out of your safety bubble to get closer to limiting that fear. It's difficult. I'm all too aware of that. Until last year, which was my freshman year of high school, I had never given an oral presentation in front of a class. Never. I had always been far too scare. I;m on three medication to control my anxiety as well as aroma oil to give me a sense of relaxation. I didn't take any of it one day. Absolutely none of it. I had three oral class presentations that day. I did all three with no problems except for a shaky voice, one of them included a 9 minute speech which happened to be the exact one you read. No pills. No oil. Just me. I did it all on my own. I want you to know that it's not forever. it definitely won't be the ruler of your life unless you allow it to be, and trust me, once you have that feeling of relief after you complete something you've been terrified of for so long, it's the best feeling in the world. Just don't stop fighting it. It's a part of you, it is, but don;t let it be the only thing about you. You're more than your anxiety, and it feels amazing to show the world what you are other than the label of "anxious" or "depressed". You'll do fine. You'll learn how to take control over it. Everything WILL be okay. I can promise you that. Just educate your family and friends of this and they'll come around to know that this is an illness of the mind and that it's not cured with a little pill or a few words.

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Social Anxiety Disorder ~ My Story

Social Anxiety Disorder ~ My Story

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