So, I guess it's about time for me to explain everything. Life kind of smacked me hard today, and I wanted to share with each and every single one of you a bit about the petals behind Rose. (Me, OOCly.)

I've seen some members share parts of their stories, and... I wanted to give mine out in full due to recent events.

To start off, I haven't always been depressed, there was a time, about 11 years ago, I was the happiest child in the world. My world got flipped upside down as I was tricked into doing something at the age of 5 years old. My oldest brother hurt me in more than one way. He took something from me that can never be returned and I often find that it effects my life a lot. He took away my life and enslaved me into depression and a sinking spiral of panic. My parents soon found out and Social Services was contacted, they took my oldest brother away and that was when my hell started. My second oldest brother, we'll call him Moron, blamed me for what my oldest brother did, he became so angry that often I was beaten and bruised and hurting. I didn't tell my parents he was physically abusing me because Moron threatened to kill them and my other siblings if I did. During that part of my life, I turned away from my family and trying to explain to them I was sorry for the trouble I caused and I turned to Criminal Shows (NCIS) and food. I gained a lot of weight and by the age of 7 I was 4'11" and weighed about 170 pounds. (The doctors always told me I was fat and it made it worse for me)

I suffered until about the age of 13 (maybe 14, I don't remember age, just that it happened about 2-3 years ago) where I had had enough and stood up for myself, beating him instead of him beating me. My siblings have always argued and fought, but I wouldn't take the hits anymore. I thought I was being strong and standing up for myself. A year later I got into a fight with Moron over a song, and ended up running to my room in tears from the yelling. 15 minutes later I was forced to open my door and hide my two younger siblings, Moron had gotten into a physical fight with my step-dad because my dad defended me and said I was right about a song and that Moron should just drop it. This ended with Moron nearly killing my father and when I came out of my room he tried to kill me too. We finally got him away from us and kicked him out of the house.

I was apart of AGE by then, I believe. Cause I vaguely remember talking to a few members about what was going on. The year before that I had lost my Grandfather and was feeling depressed almost every single day of my life. I was told at a young age that I was bi-polar, but they didn't put it on my medical records. I had, just after the whole Moron getting kicked out and threatening to kill both my dad and I when he left, gotten the courage to lose some of the weight I had put on. I exercised a lot and went to the gym and I ate small portions of healthy food. But I was 5'2" and 200, and over the past 5 years I have stayed within 20 pounds of 200. Doctors say it's stress my family puts on me, but I am not sure.

Within the past two ish years: I have lost 23 friends to suicide. I have gone through about 25 (dating) relationships. I have struggled with thoughts of suicide and trying to be an adult when... I'm just a child. I always smile and say I'm okay, but I'm really not.

I'm hurting, and it scares me. But then I remember I have great friends. The members of AGE have been here for me through it all. Especially J and Angie. They are here for their members and I understand that. I know best of all, because even though I didn't always agree, they were there for me. Each and every single one of you have your hardships and yet you still had time to listen to me cry over failing school, or being broken-hearted, or helped me deal with jackasses like Snow. I wasn't scared around ya'll, I could be myself. I could tell you anything.

And now my recent events: This year I lost a few good friends. Altair being one of them. Another friend of mine passed away the other day, and I merely tried to smile my way through it. One of my favorite singers was shot and killed.

My father is deploying in January and Im the only one in my family that knows because I heard a conversation between him and my mother, and to keep that pain and anger contained is so so hard. I just got a job this year, working at Sonic. And I have realized, most of my money goes to my struggling family... and I work hard for them... but I wasn't ready for a job mentally. Physically I do fine, I enjoy my co-workers, but mentally my mind is screaming in terror because I'm scared that if I do something wrong, I'll get fired and then my family won't be able to pay the bills, or go bowling.

This year, I stopped internet dating and am currently dating a young man IRL, but Im scared. Im terrified. Because Moron's threats still stand and I know Moron will hurt anyone I hold dear. I'm struggling with depression again and most days it's hard to even get out of bed. But I'm trying really hard, because I know I have AGE supporting me and telling me it's okay. I've also dealt with the issue... I may have panic attacks. In some situations my breathing almost completely stops and my mind goes into a sort of "shut down" mode, telling me Im not good enough. And I know I will get through this, but I needed to share with you guys my life, and how much ya'll have made such an impact on me (for the better) even when we argue and fight, even when I throw some of you in a meat grinder.

I'm Thankful for each and every one of you. You made my life better and even though I struggle, I know you are my family too <3

Thanks for being here with me through thick and thin <3