The creature within stirred from time to time, making all kinds of awful comments, blowing a number of usually harmless situations into catastrophic disasters. The tiniest stray inflection in another’s tone could be interpreted a thousand different ways, the terrible voice within always arguing that the worst-case scenario was the most plausible. And who was she to deny the voice its opinion when its arguments were so logical? The only problem was the deadly downward spiral of terrifying thoughts. Once her mind latched onto a thought or scenario it would snowball into another and another until it reached panic-inducing proportions. Not all panic was the same though. Some panic left her breathing rapidly while her mind raced uncontrollably. Some panic left her shaking and fearful of this situation concocted by her broken mind. Some panic had her merely staring off into the distance, immobilized by her thoughts, invisible to the naked eye. Often she became quiet and withdrawn from those around her, unable to speak her fears aloud. And so often her anguish went unnoticed by others. So often it was that her mind, so fearful of the judgement of others, would simply resort to the third or fourth method of panic, both easily disregarded in public. However, in private, when she was alone and helpless, that was when the worst kind of panic came, the shaking, difficulty breathing and irrational fear.

It was often the Elite found herself alone these days. She felt abandoned by her mate. He was around, but not. He never seemed entirely present. Did he even love her? The thought was too difficult to consider as she believed she already knew the answer. She was convinced he hated her for the killer she was, that he was upset and frustrated with her for being so withdrawn and emotional. She feared their children did not respect or care for her after the loss of their sibling. How could she continue to carry on when so many who were so dear had left her life already?

All around the world was dark, reflecting her inward mood. Ash fell from the sky like snow, though she paid it no mind aside from being a minor annoyance. Every so often she would scrunch her nose to wriggle off a stray speck of ash or swish her tail to do the same. Her paws left light tracks in the dirt where she walked although she had no real destination in mind. She sought escape, by any means necessary. Anything to end this ever-growing pain she felt. Sometimes it was so bad it manifested physically, in her chest or her belly or an ache in her shoulders. But the emotional pain was the worst; the fear that her life was falling apart. She wondered if the ones she loved might be safer without her in their lives. She had only brought pain and suffering. Yes, they would be safer without her, better off. Perhaps they still cared a little and might mourn her passing, but they would get on with their lives. Her children would still grow and learn. Drogo would find another to love. Her few remaining friends would simply reminisce until one day she faded from memory. What good had she really done with her life? None. There was fire and smoke in the distance, but she did not care. Perhaps it was worth dying. There were worse ways to go.

The Elite continued traipsing aimlessly, unaware that her carelessness was bringing her in close proximity to someone she felt so ill at ease around. Her paws suddenly hit water with the burning sky above and a voice travelling over to her from a short distance. As far as Nnlya was aware, Fel hated her and everything she stood for. Fel was a terrifying creature of her past that reminded her of all the awful wolves she met in her time wandering as a rogue. And yet some part of her was desperate for that familiarity. The pain of the past and this internal pain connected on some deep level. They called to one another, demanding to be brought together and experienced as one. The Elite had no power to stop the swirling thoughts in her mind so she let them take over and do as they pleased. Her life was worthless anyway, she deserved this suffering.

Nnlya approached the dark fae, the swirling of the water at her paws barely audible over the sound of the roaring flames. She blinked slowly, tired both mentally and physically. If she lay her and died it would not matter to her, and probably not to anyone else either. Her body could just float away and be forgotten. She could disappear, just as she'd dreamed of for so long. "This Elite does not deserve to be called as such. She is worthless and unloved, defeated by the cruel twists of fate. She has lost everyone she loves and wants nothing more than to disappear, for this unbearable pain to end. She cannot go on any further." Nnlya's voice was not strong and bright as it once was, it was pained and weak, uncaring of the judgement of her company. She expected to be judged, it was what she knew. The words would hurt but soon her pain would end, she was sure. She could endure a little more.

The fae looked up across the lake to where the smoke was rising from the trees on the other side. If she recalled correctly it was blossom pasture where the fire was raging. So sad that such a beautiful place could be ruined and made ugly so easily. Much like the mind. What was once a bright and optimistic had become dark and deadly. Her mind was what was slowly killing her. Eventually there could be some action, some physical complication that ended her life, but it was her broken mind that drove her to such action. Even as she contemplated simply walking into the flames the ash continued to rain down from above, tickling her nose and dirtying her pelt. There seemed to be an unearthly silence surrounding her, as if the earth had fallen into quiet to allow her to collect her thoughts and make this decision for herself. Was fire the way to go? Berries would be easier, more peaceful. Jumping off a cliff would be more exhilarating if not rather messy. Each way had its own pros and cons. If she couldn't even be sure how she wanted to die, how could she possibly be ready? Perhaps tomorrow, if today was not the day.

Suddenly all the noise of the world came rushing back into her ears. The roar of the flames, the rustling of the leaves on the trees, even the swishing of the water as her companion moved towards her. The voice of the other fae came to her, begging explanation of her woes. Normally Nnlya would have believed Fel to be asking out of malice or with some sinister intent. However, on this occasion she believed Fel had had a change of heart and actually appeared to care about her. The Helidos wolf wanted to trust the Agavos creature and still found it in her heart to believe the best in her. "So many are gone now, so many I knew and loved. Quinn, Marrok, my son Thane, Alimar, Fenris, dear sweet Rose. So many of those I cared for, and so many more whom I didn't know quite as well. I fear my own mate does not love me and never can. My two remaining children do not respect me, they believe me to be dangerous and despicable. I have killed, turned wild and taken lives in far more vicious ways than I ever believed myself capable of. But worse, I feel the anger and the bloodlust rising within me. If I don't want to curl up and die all I want is to fight and kill, spill the blood of others, those who have wronged me in this life. I want to fight until there is no fight left in me and my life is ended." She turned her gaze towards the fire, the orange blaze dancing in her eyes as it spread through the forest. "The flames call to me, their destruction sparks a fire in my own heart and urges me to do the same. It thrills me in a way that makes me afraid. I am losing myself to this grief and anger, becoming someone I have avoided being for so long." The water moved lazily around her ankles, the air thick with the scent of smoke. Would Fel judge her or pity her?

Her nerves had her shaking, as did reliving the terrible things that had befallen her, her fears, her doubts. Her body trembled uncontrollably, legs shuddering, barely holding her weight. The fae panted, struggling to breathe as her fear overcame her, only worsening as the cold, cruel laughter of her companion reached her delicate ears. The sound of her difficult breathing drowned out all else, even the roar of the fire. Thoughts racing. Images. of her children, her loved ones, he mate. They were taunting her, telling her how she was not worthy of any of them. She recalled the distance between herself and Drogo, how she had now confided this in another. Their faces spun before her, barking at her how she should have kept this fear to herself, how Drogo was better than she, for being civil and keeping his distance despite his disgust in her. So many of those she had called friend now shamed her, pulling forth her greatest fears.

Still the laughter rang on around her, flooding her mind. There was a sudden change in her mood as the fear gave way to anger; hatred. Her breathing slowed, less erratic but still harsh. It boiled in her chest, poisoned her mind against all who may have cared for her. "You wretch! You are no friend of mine! Only a creature of cruelty and darkness!" She growled and spat, nearly feral in her visage. "I have no wish to remain on this earth but if I leave I shall leave it the better for my loss." She snapped her jaws together, contemplating the best way to attack the large fae when the voice in her head made an appearance. Ooooooohhhh Preciouuussssss. Do not dispose of this one so easily. You must make her suffer. The voice was familiar and comforting, calming. We have a chance to rule. Go back to Helidos, use this anger to destroy that Alpha, destroy Azul, destroy every little weakling. Raise them into an army and attack Agavos. You will have your vengeance and we will rule a larger kingdom than any might have thought possible. The voice begged, urging her towards a path it had once indicated. And the prospect intrigued her. "You will regret making an enemy of me," she said darkly before turning for Helidos and taking off at a run, laughing as she went.

-EXIT NNLYA-